Blow for a life

Giving blowjobs can significantly reduce a woman’s chance of getting cancer, new research reveals

A ciência é assim: sempre amiga. Está sempre do nosso lado. Faz-nos todas as vontades.

Research commissioned by the British Institute for Medical Studies (BIMS) has revealed that giving blowjobs can significantly reduce the incidence of cancer in women.

Dr James Fredericks, a GP from Norwich, first noticed this phenomenon when he was investigating the possible causes of a spate of cancer diagnoses in women at his practice. He told the New Age Man: “We seemed to be getting an inordinate amount of women who were being diagnosed with cancer at our surgery, and I wanted to see if there might be causal link; so I started to do a bit of investigation into the patients’ medical history. I always ask my female patients whether they love giving blowjobs or not; just so we can keep our records up to date, and when I was doing my investigations, I was finding that all these women who were being diagnosed with cancer were all women who had told me, in a private one-to-one setting, that they do not actually love giving blowjobs. It was becoming clear to me that this was no coincidence, and that the likely cause of the cancer in all these women was their apathy towards performing oral sex on men.”

Dr Fredericks reported his findings to BIMS, who commissioned him to carry out further research into the possibility that there is a causal link between the non-performance of oral sex and cancer. His findings proved quite remarkable: “I took a random sample of 100 women aged between 18 and 23, and, over the course of a few months, had each of them perform oral sex on me. Subsequently, each of the women were scanned and tested in order to check for any traces of cancer. What I found was quite astounding: out of the 100 girls tested, not one of them was found to have cancer post-performance of oral sex. This was clear evidence that there was a strong correlation between the giving of blowjobs and the avoidance of cancer.

“I should point out that the findings are only at a preliminary stage at the moment, so I’m not saying that all women should run home this instance and start giving their partners a blowjob. But when they do get home, they should definitely give their partners a blowjob then. And then just two per day for the rest of their lives as a precautionary measure.”

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